Emotional Churn

Anxiety and depression cause the ebb and flow of emotions to churn on a consistent basis. A roller coaster is not an adequate analogy, but the ocean is. One moment stormy seas and the next moment calm waters. Never knowing when the tides would change in response to darkening skies.

I have lived with anxiety and depression my entire life. THis is what sent me on the road to spirituality and holistic living. There was no desire to spend my life on pharmaceuticals that made me sick. Medication has its place and should be used when needed, however if I can achieve the same results without pharmacology then I choose to do that.

Practicing my religion, meditation and writing have always given me solace. Feeling the ground beneath my feet, the breeze on my skin and the warmth of the sun comfort and strength. My hands in the dirt release and peace.

The emotional churn these last few years has been horrid. Death, divorce, miscarriages, adoption, pregnancy, birth, losing my land… so many changes in 6 years. Most of the time I haven’t felt that I can catch my breath before the next wave of emotional circumstances set in.

The emotional churn pulled me in for a long time. Deep into myself and my head. I analyze everything for long periods of time. Now that I am once again focused on my spiritual practices and not merely surviving, I feel as though I can breathe. There is a lot to digest about the past several years and the anxiety monster needs tamed once again, but I finally have the strength to care for myself not just my family.

My well is finally full enough to move forward. Each day I regain more for my well and that gives me more for my family as well. The emotional churn of anxiety may never fully leave me. PTSD may not allow for that, but I know it can get better. It has before and it will again.

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